Anger and Frustration – Part 2 of The Grieving Process

You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger. ~Buddha

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.  ~Ambrose Bierce

Anger, if not restrained, is frequently more hurtful to us than the injury that provokes it. ~ Lucius Annaeus Seneca

After a brain aneurysm/AVM, survivors and family members say one of the most difficult emotions to handle is anger and frustration.  Most survivors would describe themselves as having a personality change or a lack of impulse control due to anger.  Anger will weaken your ability to solve problems effectively, handle changes, make good decisions and get along with others. Many survivors state they feel angry more often, get angry more quickly, and have more issues controlling their anger than they did before the brain aneurysm/AVM.  People are willing to accept that a head injury can change your thoughts and memories, but have difficulty understanding that it also changes your emotions.

There are several reasons why survivors may have difficulty managing anger effectively.  Some develop impulsive anger as a direct effect of the damage to the frontal lobe of the brain.  In other words, the parts of the brain that normally inhibit anger feelings and behavior have been damaged and do not do their jobs well.  Rage, fear and sexual feelings all come from the middle section of our brain, which is considered to be the primitive emotional area.  The frontal lobes of the brain help plan and control behavior and are involved in saying “NO”.  So the frontal lobes and the primitive parts of the brain act like a balance scale to one another.  If the “NO” part of the system isn’t working well, the primitive functions tend to be more prominent. This means the threshold to anger is much lower and becomes aroused easily or intensely.  It is important to understand that the survivor has lost some degree of control over emotional responses.

Other reasons survivors might have a difficult time handling anger is due to the many issues that arise after having a brain aneurysm or AVM.  Frustrations start to develop when realization sets in about capabilities/disabilities, loss of a job, financial problems, the loss of friendships, the inability to participate in activities once previously enjoyed and the overall control of their life.  It is not uncommon for a survivor to express anger in an attempt to regain control over their lives.  Every time a person encounters a reminder of the things that have been lost and feels the impact of that loss as a result of the injury, it is natural for them to become upset, angry, resentful, distressed or all these emotions. After having a brain aneurysm/AVM, many survivors encounter a number of problems they do not know how to resolve, leaving them with feelings of hopelessness.  Survivors often say their family members and friends don’t understand them or the circumstances they are experiencing.   As a result, they tend to demonstrate their anger in the following ways:

Irritability

Hostility

Yelling

Cursing

Threatening or aggressive behavior towards others

Physical harm to themselves or others

Have you ever noticed that the word “anger” sits inside the word “danger”?  Anger can be dangerous if not released in a healthy way.  In fact, anger can:

• Cause you to harm yourself or others physically and/or emotionally
• Increase the risk for heart disease, high blood pressure and stroke
• Generate relationship problems and make people afraid of you
• Contribute to feelings of depression, loneliness and/or isolation
• Create stress headaches, stomach issues and/or back pain.
• Reduce your ability to make good decisions
• Add to your list of problems

Your best bet is to begin to recognize when and why you are getting angry to avoid losing your temper. Learning to manage anger and frustration can enhance emotional well-being and lead to a healthier, happier life.  By recognizing when anger is setting in or what is causing the anger, you can find constructive ways to channel it.  I’ve developed a “SIMPLE” technique as a way to express that anger in a healthy manor.

SIMPLE Technique for Expressing Anger Constructively:

Stick to the issue

Identify the source of anger

Make concessions

Plan on avoiding situations where there is high risk of aggravation

Leave the situation, if possible

Explain to another person how they can be of help to solve the problem

After trying the SIMPLE technique, ask yourself these questions :

• Did I perceive the problem accurately?
• Did I choose the right time and place?
• Did I avoid exaggeration?
• Did I stick to the issue?
• Did I focus on the incident itself, rather than a personal attack?
  

Recognize that you have the power to control your emotions.  Speak calmly and Take a time out if needed.  Doing these SIMPLE things will make the biggest difference in your internal anger and how that is represented on the outside.

It is part of human nature to grieve when we lose something, not just when someone passes away, but when we suffer an illness or life altering injury. We try and find reasons for our losses.   One part of a grief reaction is anger and finding a handy target to blame for our losses.   Survivors can work through this stage and cope with anger more effectively by talking out their feelings to a trusted and understanding individual.  Anger is a common issue following a brain aneurysm/AVM.  Unfortunately, frustrations are a reality of life, but how you decide to handle them can make all the difference.  I believe survivors have the ability to choose their path to recovery, so I ask you this:

Are you going to let this condition control you???

OR

Are you going to control your condition???

Please take a few moments to visit The Joe Niekro Foundation Online Support Form.

Connect with survivors, families and caregivers 24/7!!!!

Understanding the Grieving Process

There are a number of very common emotional stages that people with a brain aneurysm/AVM go through. It is important to remember that different survivors react differently to the grief over the loss of the person they once were and knew before the brain aneurysm/AVM. There is often a grieving process a survivor will go through and there are a number of very common emotional phases attached to the grieving process. The process is often experienced in defined stages:

Denial
Anger and Frustration
Depression/ Withdrawal
Acceptance

Depending on where you are in the recovery process it will influence how you react or respond to situations. Such as, if you are currently in the state of denial, you are not going to easily accept the doctor not permitting you to drive. The person in denial says there’s nothing wrong, even when directly confronted by family members or trained medical staff. Through your denial, you inadvertently hinder progress. If you are angry or frustrated, it is very difficult for you to deal with the littlest of things and find yourself easily aggravated or blowing up often. It is difficult to reach the level of “acceptance”.  Acceptance only comes when you are ready and open for it. It cannot be forced and you will come to your own peace with what has happened to you in your own time. Being able to accept puts you on a better road to recovery.

Over the next several weeks, we will explore these four phases, beginning with the first – DENIAL.

DENIAL

The previous Topic of Discussion introduced the grieving process in which all brain aneurysm/AVM survivors go through.  It is important to remember that each survivor grieves differently to the loss of the person they once were and knew before the brain aneurysm/AVM. Survivors won’t necessarily experience all of the emotions (Denial, Anger and Frustration, Depression/ Withdrawal, Acceptance); nor will they experience the emotions in exact order listed. However, all survivors whether you had a rupture or not will experience at least 1 or 2 of these emotional stages.

“It’s not denial. I’m just selective about the reality I accept.”
-Bill Watterson

“It takes a lot of courage to face up to things you can’t do because we feed ourselves so much denial.”
-Zoe Saldana

“A man who denies his past is a man who truly denies himself a future, for he refuses to know himself, and to deny knowledge of oneself is to stumble through life as handicapped as the blind mute.”
― Tobsha Learner, The Witch of Cologne

“I protect myself by refusing to know myself.”
― Floriano Martins

Denial is often a survival technique used by brain aneurysm/AVM survivors when the reality of their situation cannot be accepted; they have not come to terms with what has been lost.  Change in one’s life can stir up fear, anxiety or uncertainty and people often respond to such changes with the defense of denial. Denial is the wall a person builds for a protective barrier, but all it does is create an alternate reality for which only one person can exist. There are two types of denial a survivor could experience.  The first type of denial is an emotional one in which something so horrible or frightening has occurred and a person is not willing to deal with it.  Often you will hear, “I’m fine” or “There’s nothing wrong with me.”  It is much easier for a survivor to minimize or deny the severity of having a brain aneurysm/AVM rather than learn compensatory strategies or to work towards a new normal.  It is not unusual for survivors to remain in denial their entire lives.  The second type of denial comes from the physical changes to the brain due to an injury (bleeding, bruising or swelling).  The brain refuses to, or cannot process denial or be cognitively aware of this type of emotion.   Often the medical system will unknowingly support denial.  Too frequently, doctors will say, “Just go home and live your life, you’ll be fine.”  For many survivors, they don’t get better and start to question why they’re not back to their normal selves.  They have these odd events and they keep rationalizing them away. Such as forgetting their best friend’s name or putting the ice cream in the refrigerator instead of the freezer.  It is not uncommon for a driver’s license to be revoked by medical staff due to a brain injury and the survivor argues, “I’m fine to drive.”

Defenses survivors will use for denial:

Rationalizing
Intellectualizing
Minimizing
Analyzing
Generalizing
Explaining
Bargaining
Projecting
Comparing
Withdrawing
Silence
Joking
Smiling & Laughing
Changing the Subject
Arguing
Blaming
Justifying

The difficulty with denial is that most are unaware that they are in denial.  Getting past denial requires more than admitting to the problem; survivors have to accept their new life fully.  Accepting changes in oneself after a brain aneurysm/AVM can be incredibly difficult because most are afraid people will view their deficits as unintelligent or stupid.  Working through denial is not about admitting to a problem; instead it is about deciding to confront the problem.

It isn’t easy to tell if denial is holding you back, but if you feel stuck or if someone you trust has suggested that you are in denial, you might try:

• Ask yourself what you fear
• Think about the potential negative consequences of not taking action
• Allow yourself to express your fears and emotions
• Try to identify irrational beliefs about your situation
• Journal about your experience
• Open up to a trusted friend or loved one
• Participate in a support group
• Speak to a mental health provider

By fully accepting your life as an aneurysm/AVM survivor, your deficits and/or your disabilities, you can make your life work.  Know that life is so much better once you confront a situation rather than to pretend it doesn’t exist. Denial can sabotage any progress towards the start of your new life as a brain aneurysm/AVM survivor. Running from your grief only delays the pain and sorrow you need to experience to be able to move on and towards healing.  Movement through denial takes lots of time and willingness, but, when you succeed, it represents a beautiful achievement and a chance to move forward in your life.

Please feel free to repost, but credit must be given to The Brain Aneurysm/AVM Support Group Sponsored by The Joe Niekro Foundation and Kimmothy Lane.

Click here to become part of The Joe Niekro Foundation online forum.

Stay tuned for Part 2 of The Grieving Process.

A Series to Remember

The Joe Niekro Foundation (TJNF) is excited to announce our next fundraiser, “A Series To Remember” on June 19th, in Detroit.  Get up close and personal with former Detroit Tigers players from the ’68 and ’84 World Series teams, including Al Kaline, Mickey Lolich, Gates Brown, Jon Warden, Dan Petry, Dave Rozema, Dave Bergman and more to be announced.   The evening, hosted at Grosse Pointe War Memorial, will include cocktails, dinner and a panel discussion with the players, plus a computer simulation of the World Series games between the teams.

The Joe Niekro Foundation (TJNF) was founded in 2007 and is the “brain child” of Natalie Niekro (daughter of Joe).  Joe Niekro was a twenty-two year veteran of professional baseball who suddenly lost his life from a cerebral brain aneurysm in October 2006.   The foundation’s mission is to educate the public on aneurysm factors, causes and symptoms, while providing funds to support early detection research and awareness. 

It is estimated that there are currently 6 million people in the U.S. who have an unruptured brain aneurysm, or 1 in 50 people.  Every 8 minutes an aneurysm ruptures, taking the lives of nearly 50% immediately.  Of those remaining, 50% will suffer a delayed death and remaining survivors will likely suffer severe brain deficits.  Brain aneurysms are most prevalent between the ages 35-60, but occur in 3 out of 10 children as well.  Women, more than men, are documented to suffer from brain aneurysms at a ratio of 3:2.  These staggering statistics validate the critical need for aneurysm support, awareness and research funding.

TJNF is a tax-exempt organization (Tax #42-1740818) thus any donation is tax deductible according to IRS standards.  All proceeds from the event will benefit aneurysm research and treatment, serving brain aneurysm survivors, and raising awareness.

We invite you to join us in the fight as we continue to battle this silent enemy taking the lives of thousands every year.

Wednesday – June 19, 2013

6:00PM – Cocktail Reception

7:00PM – Dinner in the Crystal Ballroom

7:30PM – Panel Discussion with The Detroit Tigers World Series Champions of 1968 and 1984

 Click here to download Package Information

WORLD SERIES – $15,000 – 8 Seat Table

• Eight (8) guest seats at a premier reserved table at A Series To Remember
• Four (4) autographed baseballs signed by A Series To Remember athletes
• Four (4) autographed baseball bats signed by A Series to Remember athletes
• Your company name and/or logo banner on display throughout the evening
• Sponsorship recognition with link on the foundation website, www.joeniekrofoundation.org
• Sponsorship mention the evening of the event

AMERICAN LEAGUE – $10,000

• Eight (8) guest seats at a premier reserved table at A Series To Remember
• Two (2) autographed baseballs signed by A Series To Remember athletes
• Two (2) autographed baseball bats signed by A Series To Remember athletes
• Your company name and/or logo banner on display throughout the evening
• Sponsorship recognition with link on the foundation website, www.joeniekrofoundation.org
• Sponsorship mention the evening of the event

NATIONAL LEAGUE – $5,000

• Eight (8) guest seats at a premier reserved table at A Series To Remember
• Your company name and/or logo banner on display throughout the evening
• Sponsorship recognition with link on the foundation website, www.joeniekrofoundation.org
• Sponsorship mention the evening of the event

MINOR LEAGUES – $2,000

• Eight (8) guest seats at a premier reserved table at A Series To Remember

Thank you for your consideration of our request.  Please contact Suzanne Antonelli  at santonelli@sigmainvestments.com if you need additional information as you consider sponsorship.

We look forward to seeing you on June 19th!!!!!

JNF Medical Advisory Board Member, Dr. Gavin Britz, to Take Top Neurosurgery Post at The Methodist Hospital

Dr. Gavin Britz – New Chairman of The Methodist Neurological Institute in Houston, TX

Dr. Gavin W. Britz, former director of the Cerebrovascular Center at Duke University Medical Center, was named chairman of the Department of Neurosurgery at The Methodist Hospital in Houston.

Britz replaces Dr. Robert G. Grossman, who had been chief of the neurosurgery service of The Methodist Hospital since 1980 and chairman of the department of neurosurgery since 2005.

“Dr. Britz will carry on Dr. Grossman’s legacy and will build on his vision to grow Methodist’s neurosurgical services and research efforts,” said Dr. Marc Boom, president and CEO of The Methodist Hospital System. “With his clinical expertise and leadership talents, I know Dr. Britz will guide the department to become the nation’s leader in neurosurgery.”

More than a dozen clinicians and researchers are housed in the department, and Methodist’s neurosurgeons perform approximately 2,600 procedures each year. Britz’s goal is to enhance Methodist’s neurosurgical services and research expertise in the areas of brain tumors, cerebrovascular disease, spine and peripheral nerve, functional and pain disorders, and epilepsy.

In addition to his leadership role, Britz plans to continue a robust practice as well as further his research. Britz is one of the most experienced cerebrovascular surgeons in the United States treating aneurysms using microsurgical and endovascular techniques. His clinical practice largely focuses on the treatment of disorders of the cerebrovascular system and brain tumors including the skull base. This includes brain aneurysms, arteriovenous malformations (AVMs), carotid disease, Moya Moya disease, spinal AVMs / fistula, meningiomas, chordomas, pituitary tumors, acoustic neuromas and craniopharyngiomas.

Britz’s basic science research focuses on understanding the cerebral microcirculation. His clinical research includes evaluating new and novel tools to treat a wide variety of problems such as brain aneurysm and skull base tumors.

He received his medical degree from the University of Witwatersrand in South Africa; and completed his Internship at Johns Hopkins Hospital and then his neurosurgery residency and fellowships in cerebrovascular surgery and interventional neuroradiology at the University of Washington. Britz also obtained his Masters in Public Health with an emphasis on epidemiology from the University of Washington, and is completing his Master’s in Business Administration from George Washington University.

The Joe Niekro Foundation is honored to have Dr. Gavin Britz on our Medical Advisory Board and are looking forward to working with him on several new projects in conjunction with The Methodist Neurological Institute.

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Grandmother Says… Carrots, Eggs, or Coffee; “Which are you?”

Recently this amazing story was shared with me on The Joe Niekro Foundation Facebook page and I had to share it with all of you.  Please take a few moments to read this special story and stop to ask yourself, “Which one are you?”

A young woman went to her grandmother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She …was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved a new one arose.

Her grandmother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water. In the first, she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs and the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her granddaughter, she asked, “Tell me what do you see?”

“Carrots, eggs, and coffee,” she replied.

She brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they got soft.She then asked her to take an egg and break it.

After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg. Finally, she asked her to sip the coffee. The granddaughter smiled, as she tasted its rich aroma. The granddaughter then asked. “What’s the point,grandmother?”

Her grandmother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity–boiling water–but each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard and unrelenting. However after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior. But, after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water they had changed the water.

“Which are you?” she asked her granddaughter.

“When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond?

“Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?”

Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity, do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and a hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hours are the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate to another level?

—AUTHOR UNKNOWN—

I DON’T KNOW ABOUT YOU BUT I WANT TO BE A COFFEE BEAN….ALL THE TIME!  Let’s make it our goal to always look at whatever situation we are in, bring out our personal best and make that situation a better one!!!!!

The Fight of Your Life

I just returned from the Christmas Holiday, spending time with my in-laws in Tulsa, OK.   I always love going to visit my husband’s joyful, and quite large family.  At any given time, there are no less than 10 people visiting – his parent’s live by the open door policy, which means that when you’re there, time alone really isn’t all that possible.  This trip, I had the privilege of “making the rounds” at the hospital with my father-in-law who is a neurosurgeon.  I had asked if I could spend some time with him as he interacted with patients, previewed scans and did many post-op appointments with aneurysm/AVM patients.  We at The Joe Niekro Foundation visit patients frequently, offering support and prayers to the families, and hope to these sad, anxious and overall frightened individuals.  But, for as many times as I have walked those hospital halls – it never gets easier.  Aneurysms seem to be something that you don’t hear much about – that is until your life is affected by one – but a few minutes in the Neuro ICU and you soon see that they are so much more common than you realize.  My heart always aches for those families, spouses and friends who are hanging on to every bit of hope imagineable as their loved ones fight for their life.  The advancements in aneurysm treatments has grown incredibly over the years, but no matter how advanced these treatments are, unfortunately there will always be a few patients that even the best treatments in the world can’t save…and those are some of the patients I saw this week.  These killers….these ugly enemies we call aneurysms are evil and can change our life in a matter of seconds.  This is why we continue to promote the importance of early detection…why we continue to educate the public on the warning signs and what to do when you have “the worst headache of your life.”  Please, I beg you – don’t take this lightly….save yourself and your life before it’s too late!  Find out if you’re at risk today!

And to those patients and families from this past weekend, and to all those across the country who are suffering from an aneurysm/AVM, may God bless you!

The Angel that watches over me

Six years ago today, I lost my father.  Why?  That’s the question I will never understand the answer to.  Why God chose to take one of Earth’s most precious men on the day He did, will never make sense to me until I get to heaven and can ask the Good Lord Himself.  Someone once told me that God must have needed an extra special angel on October 27, 2006….and an extra special angel is exactly what He got.  Not a day went by when my Dad didn’t have an impact on someone else.  The way he treated others, the smiles he gave to those that needed one, his generosity and positive spirit were infectious.  I can only hope that those are traits I will carry on through his legacy.  One thing we know for sure is that LIFE IS PRECIOUS and can be taken from us at any moment.  Dad’s life was stripped short, but I know that there isn’t a day he would regret…because Dad lived life to it’s fullest.  And for that, I am so thankful.  My Dad will always be MY extra special angel.  What I do know….Heaven is a better place with my father in it!  I love you Dad!